I Can Never Understand Them Toothpaste Commercials!

Coalgate has… oh, sorry, Colgate. Colgate has more Television advertisements than it has products. And by products, I mean the multitudinous types of toothpastes they manufacture. So does Pepsodent. Close Up can be compared with that cellphone pioneer, Nokia. Does anyone use Vicco? Forget it, have you heard about Babool or Aquafresh?

I don’t usually watch Television, but when I do it flashes advertisements of people feeling the oval basin receptacles in their neighbor’s toilet and then giving a high-five to their little ones (& maybe even licking hands after the shot) or a couple resurrecting a dead cockroach or flamboyant chicks falling for men who use a particular deodorant, of course without gas. But the most bizarre yet veritable commercial is that of another toothpaste, Parodontax. It has the screen divided into two. In the first, a person spits his brushed foam into the wash basin with a reddish tint, while on the other, the tint is gone. The paste can help you overcome bleeding gums or everything inside your mouth which bleeds. Quite innovative, I should say.

Moreover, we have some flaky adverts like that one which has a dentist father and his daughter living in different houses. Otherwise they would know what paste they use. Simply absurd. Or that advert which teaches you to brush twice a day, floss everyday & clean your tongue everyday. Consider the one which asks you to brush with immense speed without thinking about the cleanliness. Whoa!

But, the actual point of this article is how different brands have different types of toothpastes. Now, which one should I choose?

I understand the types which are meant for sensitive teeth, but what about the normal? For instance, Colgate has five types of toothpastes  – some will help you open your mouth wide to a stranger and make him/her fall in love with you, or better, get laid; some will help you brighten your teeth, so that you save on your electricity bill during nights (no, not Happydent); some will have particles that do flossing, rinsing & blanching your teeth into whiteness with inter-dental actions, just like the tactics used by first-person shooter games (e.g.: Call Of Duty); some will have robots installed inside your mouth so you don’t smell like an open dustbin and trouble your boss and his hot assistant. All these types, endorsed by actresses who can’t get movie deals have always baffled me.

I was using Colgate Max Fresh till the time a lady and her entourage of cameramen barged into the bathroom of my rented Mumbai apartment, with a mic while I was brushing. After concentrating on the ingredients list on the backside of my toothpaste pack, I surrendered to them for not having salt in my toothpaste. I even gestured my mother in vain to throw that salt container at me, but she stayed befuddled on how the hell the lady and her team got in. It was few months ago that I stopped using Colgate Active Salt and changed to Colgate Total which was suggested by my sister, judging the paste based solely on the moniker. Then, few days back, I bought Colgate Visible White to turn my teeth into pearl whites. Sonam Kapoor made me believe in the paste and today my teeth look the same they were few years ago. Only, I received a letter last evening demanding consistency. It recommended I use Pepsodent and continue till the writer starts falling to pieces (pun intended). The letter was signed by my teeth.

These brands should make it clear when releasing new products what consumers should do with their current toothpaste type. Each novel release has something new, something more or something less from other types. As every new type boasts about itself, where do the previous types stand in comparison? It seriously discombobulates me. A brand should only produce a single type of toothpaste and if it wants, it can release new versions. Just like computer software. I remember Google Chrome was version 14 when I fist downloaded it. Now it is 27.0.1453.110 m. God! Look at Sensodyne – it is meant for people with sensitive teeth & gums.

I should probably stay with Pepsodent or start using Ayurvedic ones like Meswak, Babool, Dabur Red & Vicco. At least, they don’t have types, for God’s sake. Do you know there are also brands like Crest & Oral-B who produce toothpastes but their toothbrushes are popular. Again, these have types, too.

Or best, I should follow what my grandma uses. That charcoal should do the job. Baking soda is an option.

I’m no dentist, so check thrice before you change your paste. Golden rule: Stay with what you’re using & shun them equivocal toothpaste commercials.

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  • about me

    tejas nair is a freelance writer based in mumbai, india. he writes about cinema, literature, current affairs, culture, and our society. he manages content and digital campaigns for publicis. more »