Tag: menstruation

What If Men Could Menstruate?

Have you ever wondered why sanitary (maxi) pad ads or even diaper ads use blue coloured solution and not any other colour? Why not red or yellow for realism? Well, it might be strange (or gross) to think of it, but not if you are into advertising. I now seriously thank the pioneers who thought of using blue instead of red or orange or yellow. Otherwise, I would retch every time one of those ads came up in the middle of my beloved Homeland TV series episode. Have a look at this parody video and satisfy yourself! And the answer to the above question is simply that human body doesn’t produce anything bluish. But then you will ask me, why not green? Maybe green didn’t strike those pioneers and they opted for blue, which happens to be more pleasant, pushed by decades of acceptance since the start, don’t you think?

That is just an interesting thought. But what if men really could menstruate?
(Have a look at this amazing video: The Story of Menstruation, according to Walt Disney, if you don’t know 2 things about menstruation.)

That opens door to many sub-questions like will both men & women menstruate? or is it just about men and now women’ll roam around opening their flies wherever they want in  the streets in Mumbai to take a piss like how men used to? The latter will look like a mere gender swap and I’ll sit here wondering about the plight of those already hapless transgenders. If both men and women could menstruate, then who would plant the seed? IVF won’t work. Nor will that oldest fossil sperm which was unearthed few days ago somewhere in Australia, because we are talking about a generation where we are trying to obstruct the balance of nature’s sexual orientation. So we will focus on the only question of its kind: what if men could menstruate, irrespective of either sex’s characteristics?

If men could menstruate, then the male members of the families won’t stare on the floor during those ads. Dirty-minded male students won’t share a glimpse and a wry smile any more when one of their female classmates asks for permission to visit the loo mid-lecture. Men won’t turn their heads away in a jerk from stacks of sanitary pads in a supermarket. Boyfriends will understand when their girlfriends use the terms like ‘headache’ or ‘pang.’ To sum up, the idea of menstruation won’t cause embarrassment. Not all men like to hear jokes on themselves and the guys who actually create jokes on menstruation won’t stand a minute when they hear it now. So, all jokes about menstruation will vanish.

The debate over what is most painful, a kick in the balls or child-birth will finally be concluded. It will be agreed by all the sexes that it is child-birth which is the most excruciating. But, if men could menstruate, there won’t even be a question about what pains more because menstruation itself can sometimes be a real pain in the ass (pun intended). The words ‘paternity leave’ will be used more in official leave cards. Ovulation will be studied widely but porn won’t be touched.

The idea of sex will get some introductions. Men will know everything about the safe days to have sex and Dr. Mahinder Watsa (of Mumbai Mirror‘s sexpert column fame) may heave a sigh of relief. Sex won’t find a new definition, although porn will still not be touched. Because porn is more concerned with masturbation than any other factor it tries to relate with. New positions may enter the Kama Sutra although I doubt men will want to try all of them out because of the latest inclusion in their body machine. The men who hesitated to model for ads of undergarments will now have one more ad in their kitty of dislikes: sanitary pad ads. I can never control but laugh visualizing one such ad involving a man.

Since menstruation is just the beginning, many more functions will be attributed to men like pregnancy, breastfeeding, lactation & menopause. I wonder if Oxford will adopt the word womenopause into its dictionary! Would we men finally start to understand the psychology of women, if menstruation is supposed a playing factor, that is?

I don’t know about that but it would be interesting to visualize the whole scenario. When I think deeper, the whole science of life gets jumbled up and the idea ends up suffocating itself. Anyway, I’m sure it would amuse the living daylights out of me to have those men filled with chauvinistic hubris visualize this thought about menstruation which is, and ever will be, considered a woman’s trait. Does that make me sad?

I Once Asked A Girl Out To A Temple Who Was…

…menstruating. And she agreed.

[Note to readers: The following post can be offensive, blasphemous & unorthodox at the same time.]

And it was the time when every other friend of yours refrains from non-vegan food due to one of the imminent festivals related to God. I remember, Ganesh Chaturthi was on its way and the girl in question was helplessly furious. She was to attend pujas at her friends’ places the coming week.

People who had invited me for their pujas felt my presence in their respective places, but the girl in question could neither go to her friends’ places nor invite them over. The reason for the latter being something like this: if I visit your place and since you’re on your periods, it will render me impure and I may not be eligible to be anywhere near my house, let alone attend the pujas. The “may” used in the previous sentence can be replaced with “will” or “would” according to the foolhardiness intended and/or involved. So there she was, approximately ten meters away from all the shining, colorful pictures of Gods & Goddesses at her home, watching a Television series produced in a state of a country where menstrual cycle only purportedly affected one’s sex life.

She wasn’t a girlfriend. She wasn’t anybody’s girlfriend, so when I called her up to ask her out for a nearby temple, she did not refuse. It is not true that I wanted to visit the temple to pray, but the following activity was just to thwart some beliefs. A temple wouldn’t prove the point, so I took her to a friend’s place who, knows that I would never have a girlfriend &  doesn’t know that the girl who was accompanying me was menstruating.

So, what’s the point? That, if it was the omnipresence that gave us men the Adam’s apple, then he, to be modestly equal, gave women the menstruation cycleNow, you should understand that I believe God exists, so that’s that. The point is that if He gave women the most-irritating thing, which also is an advertiser’s nightmare, then He sure should accept the fact. Why would He prevent them from visiting Him? Isn’t He being a mountebank? And by the way, what impurities does it bring, if at all? It is not a human doing, the cycle, is it?
 There may be numerous mythological testimonies proving why what’s what, but do I write like I care?)

There is one more belief that girls who are menstruating prefer to be left alone. Well, according to my experience, that’s terribly wrong and women need someone to talk to during “those” days. Of course, they are the boss, at least during “those” days.
(Note: An article on “What if men could menstruate?” coming up!)

And, the family of the friend who doesn’t know, welcomed us with smiling faces. I prayed standing beside the so-called impurity-causing material & imagined the impure frequencies swaying away from her towards the idol. It reminded me of many a principles in engineering and started solving problems on account of why there were ripples in my output frequency response. The idol was smiling at us gleefully as if it had no issues with us. And it looked like the smile magnified when the girl opened her eyes. Damn, before I could figure out the positive discrepancy in the response, pedas & sweet appetizers came my way and we both were directed to sit. She was cautious while sitting while I asked my friend where his sister was. “She is not well, she’s in the other room!” he replied & I got an inkling of what might be the cause. She was on her periods, too. Whoa! And I still remember the face on his mother’s face. I still don’t know whether it was due to the hidden cause or was she suspecting me of eyeing her daughter to make her fall in love with me. I will never find out.

We left and four years later, the girl in question missed her periods once before she panicked in her bedroom along with her boyfriend. I was not in that room, instead I was having the time of my life, having thwarted the belief. How? Well, the friend I had visited four years ago was successful in his academics, his sister still sits alone watching Ryan Gosling flicks a whole week, at least once a month, depending upon the proximity of her long-distance relationship, his parents still make love and both earn a total income of few million rupees per year. Nothing was affected with our visit that day and I believe, nothing will.